Good Bye 2007! Happy 2008!

2007. A year full of ups and downs. A year full of new experiences and challenges. A year of a failed relationship and even a new one too.

Started this blog exactly one year ago. Reading back all my entries now... it was kind of strange. Did I actually went through all that?! All these will served as lessons for me and hope in the new year, this blog will continue to help me in expressing myself and act as a therapeutic means for me.

We all have gone through a lot this year. We learned and we grow. We may not have the chance to talk about things and me not being there to show my support, but that doesn't mean I do not care. For all of us who are working our lives and world out in our own special way, and this I meant everyone and you know who you are. I am here and will always be here for you. No words and actions are enough to justify that. Be strong, chin up and keep smiling. We will all get there. We will.

This is my final entry for the year. Thank you all for reading and being part of my life.

Here to a better, happier and exciting New Year!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Always A Bride's Maid, Never the Bride

'Det got his Visa! We are ready to have our Civil Partnership next year! It's definitely worth every penny of it!' Dugan proclaimed!

Dugan is my landlord. English, in his 60s, very affluent, lovely gentleman.

Det is his bf. Laotian, in his 20s, do not speak many words of English, sweet guy.

Both of them met a couple of years ago in Laos when Dugan was there holidaying. After spending those time together, they kept in touch. Dugan even managed to organise everything for Det to come to London twice for the last two years for visits.

Now they are back in Thailand and I've just received the good news via email.

I am not here to judge, not to question their feelings for each other and the true meaning of Civil Partnership. So long as they are both happy, I am happy for both of them.

I only have one question. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG?!

Oh well... Time to shop myself a bonnet!

Happy Days

It wasn't my camera playing trick! The karaoke picture was taken a week after Momo left for Osaka and me just came back from Thailand :-)

Mummy's Boy

This happened on my last day in Singapore:

Rushed home for dinner before my flight back to London. Mum offered to do my laundry from my Thailand trip the night before. Ensuring me that they should all be dried by the time I go.

Typical Singapore December weather, it rained the whole day.

Got home. 'Mum, are my stuff dried?'

'No...'

'How am I going bring them back?' Puff puff!

'They should be fine.'

'No! They are gonna smell when I get back.'

'Sigh...'

'Oh! Why the bandage? What happened to your arm?'

'I fell from the stool while trying to hang your trousers out to dry.'

.................

Just before I left, my sister said to me:

'Do try to come back for CNY. Well at least for a couple of weeks. You were hardly at home this time round. Mum do fuss a lot about you. Before, during and after you were here. She basically want the whole family to be together. We all have been told to be home as much as we can when you're back.'

It never occur to me that Mum and my family felt this way of me. Mum never said a word or complaint to me that I'm always out. Me growing up was very much on me own. I did my own thing... nobody cares. I left home and went to Sydney and now in London, I did it all on me own. Weather I'm around the family or not has never been an issue for me. For me only I supposed.

Just realised that I was never alone...

One Last Push

Can someone please tell me the purpose of having a holiday?

To rest and to recharge... but no one told me of the mess at work that I have to come back to?! And it's only 14 days to Christmas!

It's not as bad to be fair but I just want to make sure all deadlines are met by end of the week. I can do it!

Out And Proud

To be fair I've always wanted to come clean to my family, especially to my Mum, sister and my niece whom I'm most close to. But over the years, I've been living far away. My Life here is very much my own and independent. And very much so, I always believed that they knew. I mean come on! Look at me! The fact that I'm from a Asian Chinese family, we just chose not to vocalise our doubts and thoughts. We all grew up that way.

After a series of random 'ambushes' from Mum about girlfriends over the years, the most recent was just last week in front of the whole family at the dinner table, I've decided that enough is enough! I said to myself, if the time is right, I will speak to my sister first. Finally, on the very last night before I head to the airport for my flight back home, my sis was helping me to repack my luggage, I thought this is it!

'Hey do you get grief from Mum about me and GIRLFRIENDS?!'

'No. Just the usual but we just ignore her questioning really.'

'So you think I should tell her?' (I've to say I cheated. I've assumed that she knew. We both went to watch Grease seven times in the cinema together. I was only 7 then!)

(After a 2 second pause) 'No. You shouldn't. This will only make her worry of you more.' To some level, I agree with her. My Mum do fuss a LOT about me.

After, we just went on doing what we were doing and chatting like usual.

At the airport, I sent my sis a text.

'... Hey, thanks for being so understanding and making it easy or me... Really appreciate it!...'

'You take care and keep in touch.'

'Thanks I will.'

'xxx'

This may sound really weird and strange for some of you, but this is a all time first between my sister and I. We are close but never this open and expressive to each other.

I do feel lighter now. I do feel that I can be myself and no need of wearing a mask now, not to one of my family members at least. I know it's only a small step, long over due I must add but definitely a great significant one.

Thanks you sis. This means a lot to me.

BAB!!!

I noticed a trend from my recent travels. Every flights that I've been on, there were crying babies! Just my luck really. Even with some of the upgrades that I've been thankfully given, there were babies not far from me!

I've nothing against babies, especially of my own niece and nephews but that's just because I'm bias! Can probably do a few minutes of playing with some of them, mainly friend's or stranger's, but after the usual times of 'oohs', 'ahhs', and even the 'ah gu gu', right then take them away from me!

I do not understand why parents want to travel half way around the world with their tiny tots! If that's your choice of starting a family, bearing babies of your own, than you should be responsible and be home bounded both yourselves and your babies until they are at least 16! It's your choice to have them, therefore do not interfere other people's space whom people like me chose not to have any!

For some strange reasons, the young ones cries and of all places, the parents decide to practice their parental skills in front of the whole cabin of 200, telling the 2 year old not to do this and not to do that. To tell you frankly, I do not care what they do. Be it giving the kids alcohol or drugs, just make them shut up and go to sleep like everyone else!

Airlines should really start enforcing a minimum age for travelling. If there is one airline who will do that, I'll be first one to join as their frequent traveller!

For some who like to know what happened to the annoying babies, they played, cried and scream non stop throughout the flight. But only when did they stopped?! Of course only when the flight touched down, they decided that it's actually time for them to sleep because they are now tired. Aw blessed! The parents said.

Ban All Babies! BAB! BAB! BAB!

Home Sweet Home

I'm finally home.

Got home this morning, got change and went straight into the office. It was so surreal! Back into my routine right away. From sunny weather and smiley faces to grey cold morning and being one of the many gloomy faces on the train... staring into my own reflection. Sian!

So much have been said and written from all our entries from the last two weeks. Not much to add except thanking you guys for the ever so wonderful times. Till the next time and hopefully soon... Chin up and keep smiling.

L.O.V.E

Does saying The word when both were drunk count?

Is it mandatory for one to response back the same way if The word was said?

Is saying out loud of The word important and a must in a relationship?

If there is a conflict of expression in a relationship, is it still wise to carry on?

There are 101 ways of expressing oneself. Through actions and not just words. Words mean nothing if there are no actions that follow.

Only time will tell.

The One - A Curse Or A Blessing?

Now I am sitting here in my hotel room all by myself. D is out in the gym. A strange feeling is rushing through me.

As time goes by, you get to know more of each other. You learn to believe and trust each other. All your previous experiences can only served as a reminder of the past but not as a one thumb rule for all.

Meeting a new person means new experiences, new learning (his random readings of articles and findings of the world never fails to amuse me), accepting differences, manage expectations, new discoveries of the person and even myself. A challenge that one have to take on when embarking on a new journey. Letting go of one old self and thinking and embrace the new you.

N ever said this to me when we first split up years ago. One day I will meet someone who will break my heart as painful as I've hurt his. Then I will only know and understand how it feels for him.

D could be The One. Have never guessed that by saying this... it brings both joy and fear.

Please take this heavy heart away.

One Moment In Time

Finally arrived into Bangkok last night. Coincidentally it was the King's 80th Birthday as well (The English Queen eat your heart out when it comes to having a Birthday party with your 'subjects'!). While the celebration is well going on, we found ourselves in the hotel bar on the 37th floor as we all do. The view of the river was just phenomenon!

When the finale fireworks were lighting up the skies all along the river, I can only try to take everything in and hopefully freeze this moment. That moment for the three special words.

The second drinks just arrived. Maybe another time.

Sailing down the Chao Phraya River today was a very energising experience to say the least. The speed, the heat, the water, the boats, the tall buildings in contrast with the old shabby huts side by side, the sights and lives along the river just set your heart racing fast.

And I had that moment again. Stood next to him in the long boat, we both smiled and looking into each other eyes in that very tiny short instant. I'm sure there was someone right now being sick at the back of the boat! Now maybe even! :-)

A loud whistle blew! Time to disembark. Maybe another time.

Is This Heaven?

Meant to blog this entry a few days ago but just didn't have the opportunity to. The moment I arrived into Phuket, the excitement and anticipation was almost too much for me. One can only smile.

The island was beautiful... can't say much of the airport and the quality of life of the locals though. One do wonder the real deal outside of all the posh hotels and resorts.

I know this may sound really cliche and cheesy but please do allow me just this once of indulgence... the moment D arrives, when our eyes caught each other in the arrival lounge, that smile and how I felt then... it will be one of the many special moments I will always cherish. By having this entry, this will help me remember that moment, which I will and can always revisit when I feel the need to.

As with all fairy tale setting, the next 5 days were just amazing. From the spa retreat that we stayed in, the room, the view, the meals, the spa, the sights, the weather, the conversations, the laughter, the silence and all the time we spent together were perfect. Regardless of all the craziness going on around us, nothing seemed to matter.

If this is Heaven, I will happily die now.

Circle Of Life

For once after this whole week here, it feels like the good old days again. It felt complete.

We have all evolved over time. After all these years, we've learned, we've experienced, we've fell and we've picked ourselves up again. We all made different decisions in Life and we all went away and did our thing. Regardless of our individual self, our thoughts and beliefs, when we are together... nothing changes and nothing will bring us apart.

We may bicker, we may say things that one may not like to hear, we may not see eye to eye to a few things but it's all out of concern and love for each other. For me at least, I will not tolerate anybody who comes into any of our lives and not provide happiness for you all. I will only wish the best and want the best for my gals.

No matter what you do and what your choice may be... our love for each other will always be there. Nothing changes and nothing will bring us apart.

It was through actions of love, words and laughter that brought us all together. Do not ever forget that and never underestimate the power of friendship. Do not ever take that for granted.

Saying goodbye tonight wasn't easy. It's not the first time we bid goodbyes but it also marks another long period of time before we can all get together again. One can only cherish and remember every single moment of this week... and till the next time... be the best you can be... be happy and take good care of yourself.

With Lots of Love xx

Home Sick

I'm finally home! It's always good to see the family and friends, except the horrible hot and humid weather. Everyone still seem the same except Mum has grown older each time when I'm back. From the moment I landed it was just a whirlwind of family and friends get-together with food, and more food! We ate and we drank. We laughed and we walked down the good old memory lane. It feels like I've been brought into a time capsule. All the stories in the past and all the people in the past... looking at us now... It feels like we've managed to freeze time and we are back in the early beginning. Freekish but it's always nice to be back.

Come tonight, the adrenalin is definitely calming down and the tiredness is kicking in. Finally have decided to call for a quiet night. Had a really nice family dinner and just wasn't up for another big boozy night with the boys. Time for rest.

It's almost 3am now and I'm wide awake! What's everyone doing back home? My home.

Another week here.

It's Time

Did loads of travel this year... some because of work and some short holidays. Been to Dublin, Edinburgh, Lisbon, Barcelona, Paris, Hamburg, Washington, Channel Islands, Amsterdam, but have never been back home, Singapore.

It's time. It's been too long.

To spend some time with my family, see my nan, catch up with all my friends... friends coming back from afar... family and friends that I've not seen for almost two years.

It's time. Its been too long.

Really worked hard this year. New role. More responsibilities. Still have tons to do tomorrow. Have not had a proper break at all. Need some time off to just chill and switch off.

It's time. It's been too long.

Friends Menu

There are many different types of friends one can have in a life time.

There are ones whom you are very close and best of mates with for a while but couldn't withstand the test of time... you drifted apart.

There are ones whom you will never be close to because there's nothing in common between both of you.

There are ones whom I'll classify as acquaintances, but after all these years of absence and just because you are now Facebook friends, suddenly you're best pals and unusual requests starts flowing through... I don't think so!

Than there are friends you are destined to be friends with forever long! Regardless of the amount of time you spent together, where you are and who you are... you can speak to anytime, pick up a conversation that was left months ago, updating each other's lives like repeats of a drama series, laugh at each other's silliness, share each other's secrets and keep it, will not let go of any chance of teasing each other's growing up fashion fau pax, know the context even before one speaks, understand and support each other regardless, getting into trouble together and covering each other, look after and be there for each other when one needs, see each other's flaws as just who we are... and many many more.

The scene is set... my Mum with her neighbourhood friends and my aunties... Sitting in Mum's kitchen or chatting over a cup of kopi in a coffee shop, laughing and exchanging daily news of each other. Giving each other advices. Sharing tales and experiences of their lives.

I'm very pleased that I have friends that I can do the same. Be it here in London, Singapore, Hong Kong or even Shanghai! I have friends whom I can call me own.

Silent Words

For the first time after a long long while and this is true... I had the biggest urge this morning to say that three special words. The three words that will sum up the feelings I have. The same three words that also got myself into trouble before.

It was not impulsive. It was not irrational. It was not meant to please this time.

Had a very sociable weekend with both our group of friends. Was a totally enjoyable time. Loads to eat, drink, banters and laughter. We spoke, we laughed, we walked, we rested, we held each other, we slept. No matter where we were... our gazes, our hands and touches will always find each other. We became closer.

Waking up this morning in that warm embraced. I felt those words in me. They were lingering in my mouth and in my heart. That warm feeling, not just from the body heat but was coming within. I can feel the words at the tip of my mouth.

But I held back... Maybe its not the right time. By saying them might just spoil everything. What if it's just me alone all along? Getting way ahead again?

Now him close to me. I can feel his heat against me. His broad shoulders moving up and down with his calm breathing. The bed was still. I instead held him to me, resting my face on his back. Held as tight as I could but hopefully not to wake him. He did instantly turned around, looked at me, simply smiled and held me firm and closer to him.

Actions do speak louder than words... those wonderful three silent words.

My Own Prayer

Snap out of it you! You're doing it again! All these doubts and all these unfounded thoughts! Have you not learned your lessons before?!

You've given and not received. You've opened up your heart but only had a closed one back. You had your hopes up and have been let down and disappointed.

And so what?! Big deal! You've had your equal moments of silliness and wild imaginations!

Live for today and only present matters. You should know the good from the bad. You will know when the time is right. You will know! Don't put Bad in. Don't push Good away.

If he can make you laugh out loud and smile in your heart... there must be something good.

Ha Ha Ha

Got woken by a dream this morning, and was trying so so hard not to forget it as it was so special. I dreamt of all of us laughing. Distinctively identifying everyone laughter. Giggling like school girls. Just like the good old days.

The good old days of laughing out loud. The good old days of laughing at simple things. Simple things like something we said, someone on the street, our varied random encounters, experiences & stories, bimbo moments, at ourselves, even with a couple of towels made us laugh! And most important of all... when we were all together.

What happened to us now? When was the last time we laugh till tears come rolling out our eyes? What make us laugh now? What make us even smile now a days?

Are we now too grown up to laugh? Are we all too caught up in this crazy world that we've forgotten how to laugh? Are we so tired of our lives that it's not funny anymore? We're so busy in our lives that laugh was just a dream?

Don't give up. Hang in there. Let's us all have the last laughs in Life.

Men In Skirts

I have to say I am never a big fan of guys dress in skirts. Do nothing for me if you get my drift. But over this weekend, I was invited to attend a ball in Edinburgh. The theme was 60's but you can either show up in your black tie dinner suit or kilts of course!

I've no idea there's this whole particularity and different forms of wearing kilts. Not just from wearing your family tartan, but also choosing of the Prince Charlie Jacket, the Sporrans, Ghillie Brogues, Pins, and even how the shoe laces are supposed to be tied! Was totally ignorant of this whole form of knowledge. And the end result? It was greeat! Not on me of course! I wore my DJ but Daniel did. Nothing feminine at all, in fact on the contrary, very smart, very masculine.

The party was great fun. The company was brilliant and I even had a go at doing the Ceilidh dance. The whole party reminds me of a school prom that I've never been. Very nostalgic music and beautiful ballrooms. Was such a laugh!

And for those of you who are wondering... it is true of what's underneath those kilts ;-)

Drama Queen

For the first time ever I threw my first tantrum in the office.

Was quite funny actually. I am usually very composed and calmed, but I think it's because I've been working in Hamburg over the whole weekend, back in the office today and having to go through loads of incompetent people with silly issues! Spending more time on them and not able to do what I've planned to do today. I just lost it! Tore the documents into pieces, shouted out loud and stormed away from my desk! Everyone kind of just freezed and kept quiet. He he!

There are still loads more to do and I'm again going away for the next two days in Channel Islands, Edinburgh this weekend, Washington next and Amsterdam straight after! There's only 24 hours in a day! I need more time!

But you know what? I'm enjoying it as well... just pray that I'll get enough rest and most importantly not neglect the people around me. Please bear with me.

Cheers

Found myself in a Covent Garden pub last Saturday, just before the all important World Cup Rugby semi final game between England and France.

The place was heaving! With loads of beer drinking, high testosterone charged males waiting for the game to start. We got our drinks and positioned ourselves not far from the plasma screen. I even had a 5 minute crush course on rugby. And by then I was set for my very first full length rugby game and I'm going to try to enjoy this!

Not being in a live match or a stadium watching a sporting event before, this was definitely an eye opener for me. The adrenaline rush, all the ever so funny jeering, the constant flow of alcohol and the cheers! Loud and low I might add. Very manly. Very Butch.

And that is when I realised I have a very different cheer from the rest of the room. To be fair, I'm not saying that I was screaming but let just say cheering on Kylie before she come on stage in Wembley is slightly different from the cheers I was hearing in that pub, least to say acceptable (I'm sure some of you can relate to that!).

I found myself lowering my cheer in order to blend in with the crowd and when the final whistle was blown... England won! And the whole place literally shook! People jumping up and down, hugging each other and more cheering and song singing went on further!

I kind of just looked amazed. Really enjoyed the evening, was good fun though a stiff drink was required after all the excitement! So coming back!

Friends Reunited

Over the time of your life... you meet people... you make new friends. There are some who you'll take forever to know and there are some who'll take a minute to know for a life time.

Some 'friends' go... Some friends stay...

There are 'friends' who'll tell you you're their best 'friends' and there will be friends who will not... There are 'friends' whom you desire gratifications from and there are friends whom you will do anything for... There are 'friends' who you see everyday and there will be friends who you do not see for years...

So good to see you Lorenzo. Let's not wait another 6 long years before we meet again.

Take care of yourself and see you real soon!

Love xx

Deja Vu

Was out last night clubbing with friends. Our usual haunt with the usual routine. The fact that it has been a while since the last time we all went out together, everyone was definitely up for a big night out!

While in the club that few hours, things start to fade slowly and most things becomes a blur. Then one came and another one followed shortly after. A deja vu moment. I was in here before. I know this person before. Last night we chatted and I walked away after.

As the night progresses, my friends were ready to go. Again a deja vu moment. I was in here before in the same situation. But this time round, I'm ready to go too. Nothing in there makes me want to stay any longer. Not anymore. Not even with my state this morning.

Something has changed. I have.

Once

What a beautiful movie...

Amazing creativity and talent oozing out from the screen. True emotions coming from both leads that were just pure and simple. Chemistry, admiration, determination and support for each other that was transmitted not just through words and music, but also from looks and silence. On board of their journey from the beginning till the end. A very simple and extra ordinary story of two person's connections told in the most simple and extra ordinary way, with a touch of the ever endearing witty humour and attitude of Irish charm no doubt.

It touches more than just the heartstrings but also make you long for something that real, true and genuine.

The Lost Soul

Came across this song by chance one morning while on my way to work. And one person came to mind. The song is melodic and thoughtful but it was the last 3 phrases of the song that lingers on for me...

"...But tomorrow is mine. I finally know... Happiness is Choice."

I wish I am there to shake you up, slap you awake, give you a big hug, scream at you, offer you a listening ear, a gentle nod and smile, offer you my shoulder to cry on, dance ourselves silly, shop till we dropped, walk aimlessly, laughing out loud, cry in movies, and tell each other how shit our lives are... but for now this song will do...

"...But tomorrow is mine. I finally know... Happiness is Choice."

Fast Forward Mode!

Just had a mental forecast / calculation of how my time from now till Christmas will be... Arghh! It's going to be crazily busy! Work trips, business contracts renewal, work commitments & administrations, social functions leading up to year end... And of course Christmas! Oh my God! Help me! I need more time!

Why do I always do this to myself! All these mad rush at the end of the year.

I can do this! Just have to be very organised and extremely discipline on time keeping! I can do this!

I'm already dreaming of the blissful quiet Christmas week... sad isn't it?!

I Have Finally Found Someone!

Yes I have! Finally!

Someone whom I've been thinking a lot for a long while. We met one morning on a train when I was on my way to work... me still feeling down from my last failed experience, thinking what I should do to avoid this to happen again. It has just become so frustrating that I'm not able to get through it and not able to see something through from the beginning to the end.

How many times I've to go through this again?! I've to be very sure and make this work. I have to make this right this time!

After spending some time together, you start to know more of each other. My likes and dislikes. His capabilities and what he can offer. What makes him tick. What make us gel. He is funny at times and yet truly informative and opinionated at others. Time with him is always so enjoyable. He makes me laugh, think and sometimes even cry and always know exactly what to say and do. He is always there when you need him and finally no doubts about each other... no questions about our future... We think as one... We are one.

Yes... I have finally found someone. His name is Cable and he's a Virgin too! ;-)

Double Entry

No! Not that kind of double entry! I had two dates in one night... have never done it before until tonight!

I wasn't planning to. Was supposed to have three dates over three nights this week, just like last. Then when I was on my way to meet N, M got in touch wanting to meet up as well because M is busy now tomorrow.

So I did what any decent person will do... I met both of them! Not together of course!

Had a couple of drinks with N at South Bank. A good guy but don't think we will be more than just good friends... you just know sometimes.

Then said our goodbyes and went on to meet M in Soho. M on the other hand, more chatty than I expected and definitely has got that geeky chavy charm. Lol!

Oh how long more I've to do the dating scene?! Its definitely fun and great to know more people but its tiring too! So need to pace myself... maybe two dates during the week from now on :-)

The dating continues... but its time for bed now...

Spanish Salsa Dance Off 2007

What a trip I had in Barcelona! Great food, fabulous hotel, good weather, fantastic clubs and great company!

I went ahead with R for the trip. Wasn't sure at all in the beginning. The fact that we've just split up the week before was enough to set one's head shaking left to right. Had a few discussion about it but have both come to a conclusion that we are both adults, we both need a holiday, and we are good friends, so why not?!

It's strange when one decides to shut down in a relationship, you start to see everything in very different perspective. And what was I thinking?! Only kidding! Credit to R, he was a gentleman throughout the holiday. In fact we ended up opening up more to each other and was really frank of our thoughts about each other... well at least I was.

At the end of the holiday, it was a rather bitter sweet moment for us. The fact that we get along so well like fire, than why not one step further? Just one of those 'wasn't meant to be'...

Will always remember that night in the club when we salsa our way to win the 'Spanish Salsa Dance Off 2007' title. And for one Jew and a Ching to win the title over some South Americans in the dance floor... that's not mean feat! It was a great laugh and sweaty hot to say the least!

Thank you for a great holiday and all the good times over the last 4 months. We will always be friends and will probably be better friends from now on, but it's also time for me to walk away and begin the next chapter of my journey... So laters R.

Floral Stylist

Thanks to Fabien, I've been asked to help out with some floral work in a photo shoot today.

Love it! Truly love it! It's been a while since I last work with flowers when my course ended in June. At some point I was seriously thinking of shelving floristry and concentrate more on my career. But after today's mini assignment, kind of made me want to do more! The joy of working with flowers and be creative, its so much rewarding than my corporate job!

Well will definitely try to do more freelance work from now on. Just keep practising and do not stop completely. Floral Stylist? When the right time comes... who knows?!

Serial Dater

What can one do to get over a failed relationship?

Well one can try the good old reliable retail therapy. Take up a new hobby. Go travelling. Dust off your dancing shoes. Or re-establish your link with your friends again, whom I must say thanks to them, I am strong again. Basically there are lots to do except feeling sorry for yourself!

So I became a serial dater! For the last one week, I've arranged 4 dates. Two went ahead and the other two I've to cancel because it just proofed too much! I'm still learning the ropes :-)

It was great fun. All the preparations and anticipations, all the words, all the flirting going on throughout the evening, knowing someone new and knowing yourself again. It does make you realise how much you've lost yourself in the previous relationship. Knowing who you are and what you are looking for again. You always learned from your mistakes. You tend to be more careful with your feelings after each time but at the end of the day, you follow your heart. I do, maybe a bit too excessive but I do.

The 2 dates turn out to be really great! Two individuals with two different minds, personalities and no doubt two great decent persons. Would definitely love to see them again soon.

Before anyone start pointing finger, as you all know me better, I'm not one who is good at doing such things. So long as I know I'm not hurting anyone, that's where I draw the line. At the end of the day, we are only dating, so let's have some fun along the way!

And for those who are still trying to get over a relationship... Pick yourself up! Shake your pathetic self off! Trust me! There are definitely still more better fish to catch in the sea! Go fish!

There's No Place I'd Rather Be

After all these years of being away... All the travelling and now resite in London... As much as I agree with Fabien about all these brain washing propaganda, one way and is THE WAY, one sided 'democratic' shit... I can truly relate to the song this time.

I grew up in Singapore. My family, friends and memories belongs there. I've served my time in the army. I had my life's foundation build up there.

All these years of living in foreign countries has one hand taught me to be who I am today, to be strong and that I have a voice, but on the other it has also made me appreciate the cleaniness, the law and order and the efficiency of how the nation is being managed. We can't deny that.

The best way I can put this is that growing up in Singapore has taught me to be an open minded and humane person. To be able to understand what is right and what isn't. I appreciate the goodness in Life and at the same time will not support what it's wrong. All the so called supression has made me want to be free. All the negativity growing up has made me want to turn everything positive.

There's no place I'd rather be... for my friends and family.

Moving On

What an awesome day is was! Brighton Pride rocks! Thanks to my group of friends who has once again 'took' me in and make me feel and proved to me that there is more life than a relationship. To some point it reaches a hedonistic level (within my controllable level nevertheless) but it did make me feel free... feel of 'Love'. I know its just another form of escapism. A silly way but it did make me feel good.

Then I met up with the gang again. People that I've spent most of my last 4 months together. People that I've learned to know and care. A person that I've grown my fondness for. Someone whom I can call my friend. We laugh together and truly cares for each other. Isn't that what friendship is all about.

As cold as the fact about us, as much as the doubts and disappointments I'm feeling... is there Friendship after Relationship?

Friendship strong enough to be able to overlook our incompatibility? Friendship strong enough to accept that maybe some things are just not meant to be? Friendship strong enough that we can still go on a holiday together?

One side of me do want to go because we both need a holiday and I know we'll have fun together... but on the other hand, with all the fond memories of the holiday, wouldn't that make things more complicated. For me especially. Will I then be able to handle the fact that we are just good friends travelling together?

It's not easy. Sometime I wished for a On/Off switch but I'm not made like that.

4.52am

I can't sleep...

There's no such thing as a sane break up. Regardless of how mature you both are, there will always be hurt, disappointment and sadness. Regardless of the length of time spent, when one involves the heart, one is bound for heart break when relationship ends. Its only natural. Or is it? I wonder if he's up too?

The question is, how many of such mornings I've to endure till I find the One, whom will make me calm and sleep blissfully forever?

Can't help but feel like a twat! All these time, all the effort, my friends... yet again! I'm sorry guys...

Let's try to go to sleep now...

Finale

The time has come... yet again. I've pulled the plug.

It was unavoidable. All has been said. All has been done. In fact the sanest break up I've ever had.

We tried as you know but some things are just not meant to be. When it comes to relationship, we both have very different expectations and outlook. So why drag on and waste each other's time. We did try...

Looking back, one wonders why one choose to ignore signs. How one convince oneself that 'everything will be ok'... Why do I never listen to my first instinct? I should know better after all these time...

Disappointment for sure but its for the best I think... We will be friends for sure but just not more than that...

I'm feeling tired this time.

Theme Song II

Its funny how things evolve with or without you knowing.

A lot has been said, done, seen and felt. Loads of questions and this time with answers. Truth may hurt but it wasn't pain that I'm feeling this time.

Walking away is easy but the willingness to make this right surpasses any form of escapism. Think its age and maturity playing a part in this. No doubt that special feeling for each other too.

"I need to feel your presence!" He said.

"I am present! And I need to feel your presence too!"

We talked. We laughed. We were silent. We hugged.

"So are we good?" I asked.

"Yes we are... I want to make this work."

I will always care I supposed but this time round I'm not losing myself again.

The Sun is still shining... Had my song playing... I'm still smiling...

Theme Song

It's funny how things evolve with or without you knowing.

A lot has been said, done, seen and felt. Loads of questions but no answers. Or maybe the truth hurts...

The great thing about being in your thirties is that you can choose to walk away. Ten years ago I'll probably be in a sorry state but not now. Not anymore. You can either choose to be a victim and 'pity' yourself or not at all. I chose the later.

I'm the biggest culprit when it comes to relationships. Having so much focus on one person all the time and somehow always lose track of my own Life! My great friends, my family & my career! There are so many good things happening for me right now and I always choose to only concentrate on one part of my Life!

I do care a lot and I'm capable of caring a lot, but once I've decided not to... one should be very afraid.

Walking to work this morning... The Sun was shinning... Had my theme song on in my iPod... Me smiling...

Exit

Once ,we were both in bed. Chatting, talking about random ideas and dreams, anything underneath the sky, feeling close to each other, smiling, laughing, and falling asleep...

Next, I was woken up by a jerk, opened my eyes and he was not there anymore. Paused for a couple of seconds to make sure I'm feeling right... he wasn't there anymore.

Which was real? When was it a dream? Which do I want to be real? Which do I want to be a dream? Mixing the real with the dream... that instant was really poignant... that instant I knew I had used my heart to feel this time round... Feeling something precious and loved was taken away... something that went missing! And I felt empty.

The fact was both were real. We did had a lovely time before sleep. He did leave because he couldn't sleep and left unannounced because he didn't want to wake me up. Apparently I need 'assistance' to make me sleep quietly.

I spoke to him of my reaction. I told him not to leave like this ever again. He promised if he ever does, he'll slam the door and I'll see his back walking away with him in a flowy dress and his Jimmy Choos. An image that I wish I'll never have to see... in all respect.

I told him not to leave like this ever again.

Countdown Begins

7 Days = 168 Hours = 10,080 Minutes = 604,800 Seconds to go! We're almost there!

Don't ever look back. There are thousand of days waiting for you to explore. Go for it!

Weather Forecast

The best way to describe how I feel now is the great British weather! Lame sunshine, dark clouds and drizzling rain. Very uncertain. Very unpredictable. Very unsettled. Very unwelcome.

A lot has happened since the last time I blogged. The usual work in London, work trip to Paris, long weekend away in Lisbon, hanging out with friends, and spending time together with Ryan.

Never thought I'm such a psycho bitch! On the surface, all seems so pleasant and calm but underneath are just full of doubts, despicable thoughts and ideas, insecurity and sky high expectations! How I am capable of creating something out of nothing... from thin air and get myself all confused and angry! There were times where I've to take a step back and bite my tongue. Take a rain check on myself and breathe.

It's amazing how things were not the way I imagined it to be many a time! How silly I was! But there's still that tiny little greyness, which I can never erase. Is it me or do I need someone who can bring me sunshine?

I blame the weather!

Flower Power

I am a florist now! Well at least a certified one so far!

Did my last lesson last night. There was Champagne in the class and at the end got my certificate signed by Jane Packer herself.

Don't really know what to expect from here but it has definitely gave me a new insight of what I can do and capable of with floristry. It's something that I've been wanting to do and learn for a long time... and now I've done it!

Will sure carry on working with flowers from now, better myself even more and hopefully to have a tiny little humble flower shop one day.

One can only dream eh? :-)

Midsummer Night

What can one do on a regular midsummer night? Well you can gather one good friend, attend a special party at Habitat with goodie bags, free flow cocktails, DJ spinning and 20% off store wide. Followed by a sumptuous meal in Soho with loads of chin wag and laughter throughout.

Siok! Thanks for a lovely evening Fabster.

Something For Myself...

Just give yourself a chance... will you?! Stop questioning! Stop analysing! Stop 'protecting' yourself! Just let yourself go and be free with your feelings and Love!

Don't question the level of 'returns'. Don't question the other person's intentions. Don't question the other person's pass. Don't hold back. No 'What ifs?'

There is no fairness and equal in relationships. You give because you want to. You love because you want to. And you shouldn't expect return of the same because love is not a transaction, but if it does, that's a great bonus!

Love is not about finding the perfect person but finding the imperfect person perfect...

So go Love like there's no tomorrow!

5 years, 11 Months and 7 Days

Finally got my UK Permanent Residency! Just got it today. After 5 years, 11 months and 7 days... finally!

It's a very strange feeling. I am happy of course but still feel so surreal. Trying to recall the day I first step foot into London... just myself alone and my bags.

After all these years of working here, all the things that I've gone through, all the saddness, the joy and now looking at what I've achieved so far, all the friends that I've made, the life that I've lead, looking forward to what my life might be... I'm just so thankful and grateful for everything!

Since the day I left home, left my family and all my dear friends... Still young then (well not quite) with high hopes and the aim to break free and lead a new life. Studied hard and work even harder over the years... all for the sake of living my life. It's definitely a high price to pay for just wanting to live.

Have never felt settled all these years. Purely because of moving from a student to a work permit holder status for the last 8 years in two different cities, one never really feel belong.

But now...It says on my passport Remarks 'Indefinite Leave to Remain in UK' and Permit Type 'Settlement'.

It's indeed a new chapter of my life from now. Thank you all for being part of Volume I and look forward to more of everyone in Volume II.

Love xx

Eastern Delights

Why is everyone so busy now a days?! Have been wanting to blog this down from the long weekend passed but just didn't have time to do so. And guess where am I blogging now?! At my work desk! Have to be ever so discreet and keep this short! :-)

Finally for the first time ever decided to venture into East London and check out the scene there over the weekend. East London areas like Hoxton Square, Shoreditch, Brick Lane have always been known as the up and coming hip areas in London after the West End and Soho. Loads of new bars and clubs have sprung out from there and the crowd have always been know as the young fashionista set, but I've always find that too pretentious to even bother.

Anyway to cut the story short, myself, Ryan and friends landed in Shoreditch on Saturday night. Went to this pub called Brick Layer. Tiny place with random music and very much local crowd. Straight but don't think anyone bother who is who and who is what. A great place to meet up with friends, catch up, have a laugh and get totally drunk! A girlfriend of ours even took a fancy of the very cute barman. Shots were offered and numbers were given.

Overall... 7/10!

Then we moved on to the club of the night. Issst (www.issst.com). An underground club that moves their venue all the time. The promoters are originally from the Berlin club scene, so you can imagine what we are expecting (Mona and Fabster can verify that).

The club was set in the middle of tall commercial buildings in east London, under some abandoned brick arches. Very long huge and hollow room, which takes you onto the dance floor. Dirt floor with make shift MDF toilets, cloak room and bar. The exact room next to it was set up as a chill out area.

The crowd again was very mixed. Music was fantastic! Electro, rave with a bit of dance funky house. Then the special guests came on stage, the Klaxons. An American band that mixes Rock with Dance. Very refreshing and different from the usual gay dance anthem in clubs that we used to go.

A great night out! Overall... 9/10! Would've been a full score if not because of the dirt floor :-)

West End Boys

What a cultured weekend! Went to see Evita on Friday and Kiss of the Spider Woman on Saturday in the West End. Both shows are ending their run in a weeks time, hence the rush to catch them both quick.

Evita was ok. Nice set, great dance routine, good performance from Elena Rogers who played Evita, but have never been a fan of the movie version anyway. And with all words sang out throughout the show, maybe it was my hearing but there were some unmelodious pieces, which I don't get. Of course most of the main theme songs like 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina' were a crowd pleaser and performed in great gusto. Overall, good production and a great night out in the West End.

Kiss of the Spider Woman was played in Donmar Theatre. The same theatre where Nicole Kidman played the Blue Room and Gwyneth Paltrow played Proof. Have always wanted to go see something in there and by chance came across the play Kiss of the Spider Woman! A movie I remembered when I was growing up. Very vaguely remembered William Hurt in his flora Kimono and sweaty Raul Julia both held up in a prison cell. Didn't really understand a thing what was going on except that William's campy character had a thing for Raul's character. And that fascinates me in that young age, which until today I still remembers the movie. One can only wonder why when such a movie captures my attention then?! :-)

Very intimate theatre (if only I was here to see Nicole, I would have touch her from where I sat!), one prison set on stage, two fantastic actors, one beautiful but tragic story.

The 1st half was a great emotional build up and by 2nd half, my water pipes were ready to run!

The scene when Valentin pushes Molina away because of fear of being cared and fancied by another man, the sudden outbreak saddened the fragile one, the fear in both men's eyes were so similar but feelings so contrasted.

One of the most memorable scenes was when Molina came back to the cell from her routine interrogation and broke the news to Valentin that he's going to be transferred to another cell... the sadness that descend on both the actors in that instance was unbearable... you can actually feel that ache in the heart that something precious is going to be taken away from you. I definitely felt it too.

Valentin telling Molina to be strong. Not to be taken advantage of when he's free and he has every right to be who he is and not let anyone else tell him otherwise and belittle him as a woman... Molina simply answered "... but I am."

Then the emotional outburst from Molina crying out loud that he rather give up his freedom and all he wanted was to stay in the cell with Valentin, and the final silence embraced and farewell was by then too much to bear! My water works were in full operation!

Tears aside, I've not been moved by such performances for a while. With massive budgets and high tech computer effects in most movies now a days, one wonders what for?! With a great storyline that links everyone hearts together and great acting from true actors, that is all we need!

Big thumbs up for the production and I am so glad that I went to see it! To be part of these great poignant moments and to be able to understand the story and feel the emotions this time round... I'm so glad I'm not 13 years old anymore.

More Tales Of The City

Have decided to read the Tales of the City by Armistead Maupin again. Picked up the series when I first moved to Sydney. Was hooked on it straight away! It was an easy read and also because it was set in one of my favorite cities San Francisco.

The series does make you laugh, cry, smile, and sometimes even evoke some self evaluations and discoveries. I supposed these books were the Sex and the City previous lives.

What also drawn me to the book was the central character. A young girl name Mary Ann Singleton. New to the city and trying to start anew. New rented room with strange landlord and housemates, her ups and downs, her friends, her men... So me years ago! Well now as well actually :-)

But this time reading the book again gives me new understanding and meaning. Its funny and amazing how one changes over the years. Changes are good! They make one better and stronger.

The first book of the series was actually given to me by ST. One of my very dear friends. In the book sleeve, he wrote "...make this first step to fulfill one of your 1999 resolutions. Enjoy and make yourself wonderful Tales of the City..."

Reading those words again did bring a smile to my face. All the tales after all these years... So young then and hopefully wiser now.

Thank you all for being part of my Tales of the Cities.

Flower Fairy

Just did my second job experience at Jane Packer yesterday. Absolutely love it! Its hard work... having to get up on a Sat morning after a 5 day week at work, then doing half a days work of cleaning, washing and flora arrangements but I love it!

I'm actually very pleased that now i can just walk in, look at the order, pick up the flowers and be able to create something beautiful... from hand-tied bouquets, vase arrangements, potted flowers, etc. Not bad for someone who only started the course in Aug last year!

Where are the pictures?! You may ask! I seriously need to get a digital camera! I'm still using the good old fashion disposable ones! Can we convert prints to CDs later? All I can say is that they aren't that bad! He he!

So fingers crossed! You might just find me working as a florist near you!

Breaking News!

I am still alive! Yes I still am! No panic! Against all the speculations of me passing out in my flat clinging on to my Balenciaga, hit by earthquake even though I do live in central London, or me getting abducted by some human traffic Polish mafia and got sold into prostitution (I wish)! They are all false!

Do apologise for this long period of MIA. Since the last time I blogged, just didn't stop working! Been just crazy time here! Endless meetings, reviews, presentations, evenings with clients, hotel visits, business trip to Dublin, was away in Cornwall... and on top of all that, working at the flower shop on Saturdays.

Busy, busy, busy!

I promised I'll find time to blog for the coming weeks and keep you keen readers updated with what's going on here.

Till the next time... take care everyone! Chin up! and Smile!

Love xx

Spring Time In London

Yes finally we can truly say Spring time is here! And we might even have an early Summer... a hot one I reckoned!

With Spring arrival and Summer at our door steps... only happy thoughts and fun actions I vowed to myself! No more dramas! Leave that to the young ones!

So come skip down the yellow brick road with me!

A Girl Meets Bossanova

Chatted with S again last night.

Still that gentle and caring... Still so endearing...

We steered clear of the 'danger zone' but know very well that we were both very close.

Eventually we said our goodbyes and good nights.

One thing he didn't know... 'A Girl Meets Bossanova' was playing in the background... One that he kept playing when he was here...

Such lovely album Olivia sings... Such sweet memories...

THE Discussion

We've finally came to the point for us to have THE discussion!

Yes, S and I. THE discussion on where and how are we moving forward. THE amicable discussion that every couples have in a matter of time, and ours came after 4 blocks of weekend time together. I supposed our distance apart heightens the need for this discussion sooner than later.

It was all very genuine and intense to say the least. A lot of opening up, which I was so touched by his words and ways. In this short period of time, the impact that we have on each other, and in this short period of time, the feelings we can have for someone... somehow surprises me.

I can go on and on about the distance. I can go on and on about the pressure of when we see each other and when we are not together. I can go on and on of the joy and sadness when we see each other and when one has to leave. I can also go on and on about the stress of planning and putting a date in the diary of when we will see each other again even before we're apart.

Anyone who knows me should know better. The above are of course not ideal! Not in my definition of a relationship but with age comes maturity, and with my work life here in London, long distance relationship might just work for me. PROVIDED if he's the right one and gives me the right reasons to do so. With modern communication technology, modern transportation systems, and open communication between us, things might just work out! I am not saying this should be permanent! LDR should always be temporary and so long as we both know that and are willing to work towards a common goal, and throw in a bit of grown person's trust, go with the flow when we see each other and not having a fixed and rush itinerary, things might just work!

S has picked up the vibe. I've said no. I've told him that it's not going to be easy and not possible.

Why? Of course I've banked only on the 'Distance' trump card! S is great guy! He ticked most of the boxes! He's a very sweet and innocent guy too, hence I've to be gentle with him...

There is just one thing... It's a shame really. Just one tiny little detail but no doubt an important one. We will remain friends and I can see that we will be very good friends for a long long time. And that suits me just fine.

Thank you S for being yourself and letting me be myself. All the words you've said will always remain in my heart, and I wish the same for you too.

Moving onwards and forwards. Who's next?!

Untitled

Blank... Flat... Empty... Cold...

This is how I am feeling at the moment. Don't ask me why... just is.

Loads on my mind now... Work is good but can I be better? Getting my Permanent Residency this May but is it worth the hassle and money? Really love what I am doing in floristry but does that justify me changing career hence giving up all I've achieved today? Getting on the property ladder is my next aim but is that possible here in London? Miss my family and friends back home but is moving home the solution? Never stop giving Love a chance but how many chances I've to give before the right one comes along? Not afraid to Love but who can I Love? So is this it? For the next 35 years if I am lucky...

Random thoughts... All over the place right now...

Just need some answers... Have one direction, one aim, one purpose... Where can I find them?

Big Mama In Osaka

The news definitely came as a big surprise to me. Always thought this move was only temporary and for work.

Big Mama is my oldest friend. A friend whom has always been there for me through thick and thin over all these years. 18 years to be precised. A friend who took my hand and showed me this wonderful 'happy' world. Never pushy and just let me be myself. A friend that I first traveled with, and still a joy and delight to travel together today. A friend who helped defined my circle of friends now. It was Big Mama who lead me to Mona, than Mona to GFKC & G... every of my friends now can be traced back to Big Mama. Big Mama knows me inside out, even without me saying. Over the years, we've both went through a lot together and independently, all in the name of Love. Love for oneself and for others. Regardless, we have always been there for each other. For good times and for bad times. Even through the years of absence from one another, we've still managed to remain closest of friends. Both of us bind together with respect, care and Love.

There are still so many questions I have for you! You've thought about this carefully yeah? You are sure of this? Your family?

As much as I am so happy for you. I am also very concern of you too! You are my Big Mama and will only want the best for you. Quiting your job and moving away is a big step. I just want to know that you've thought through this clearly.

But you know what? I am so pleased for you too and whatever you decide to do, you will always have my full support! It's finally time! I left 8 years ago and now its your turn. Spread your wings, fly high and never look back! Good on you! I am so so proud of you! I really do!

You are always the strongest and smartest of all in the group and trust that you've done all your homework and thought through this carefully. And I'm sure Rho will take good care of you too. You deserve the best! And if he doesn't, he'll hear from me for sure! Well lets not frighten the poor guy just as yet.

So when are you leaving? Gosh I still have so many questions for you!

You have no idea what my feelings are now! It's just a mix of great joy and sadness. Even though I am here and was never around, but it feels like you are moving away from us! I know I've done it before, and this time round it hurts... Must be the age thing.

I really hope to see you soon. Please promise me to look after yourself! Don't ever take any shit from anyone! Be brave and strong! Never stop smiling. Will miss your laughter. Will miss everything about you. Let's hope that we can all come together again soon. No, actually we have to make a promise to do that! Wish I can be there to give you a hug and say goodbye.

It does feel like an end to an era but needless to say, also a new one begins.

New Adventures to have... New Journeys to travel...

My best wishes to you. Love you loads my Big Mama! xx

Requiem For A Dream

Felt like it has been a while since I last updated my blog. Work, plus S was in town last week and to be fair after the 'Big Night Out' on Saturday (first one after NYE), I'm only starting to feel like human again.

It's funny how one's action and mind affects each other. The power of trill and wanting to get the next buzz, somehow clouds up your thoughts and your capabilities of deciding what is right and what is wrong.

Frankly, is not as bad as it sound and not even close to 'Requiem For A Dream'! I promised! But being always wanting to be in control and always conscious of myself... having to relive the experience is something I dreaded most. Seeing myself in the mirror, walking out from a club in the wee hours of the morning, stares you get on a tube, spending the rest of the day like a zombie in total darkness... Are these than the trill and buzz I'm chasing for?

I'm not angel and I'm also not condemning anyone. Who am I to judge?! The experience is fascinating and fun, and with close friends around you, at least you know you are safe. But it's a fine line between recreational and habitual... It's a fine line between enjoyment and silliness.

By blogging this down will be a testament to myself that I will be responsible for all my actions and will always live my Life with absolute dignity and respect.

Recipe For A Great Night Out

How to cook up a great night out? Well just follow the simple recipe below:

1 x Intimate setting cafe / restaurant.
1 x Interesting, great tasting and good value food menu.
1 x A good selection of wines
1 x Yummy range of desserts
And the most important ingredient of all, 1 x a group of wonderful friends.

Cooking Instructions:

First reserve and pre-prepare the cafe / restaurant to be ready for the evening. Then mix the group of wonderful friends together with the food menu. Keep adding a constant flow of wines, and add a bit of seasoning (also called conversation) to taste. Let all these simmer on low heat for at least 3 hours. To finish off, sprinkle a bit of sweet desserts before serving up.

To see the result, please refer to the one that I've prepared before - my fabulous Birthday dinner at Canela last Saturday. It has all the above ingredients and the result was fantastic! A great night out with lovely company and all the trimmings! So good that the 'after taste' still lingers on the following day (for those who were there, you know what I mean).

Thank you all for coming and making this night so special for me! xx

Diagnosis Report - 5th March '07

The test result is out! Finally after all these years, I was always wondering what was wrong with me! Never knew until today! It's official now! I belong to the RA Group! The Romantic Anonymous Group! I am addicted to Romance! Just like someone from the AA... In RA, one needs Romance to make one fulfilled! One needs Romance to make one complete!

2 more hours to the end of my 34 years in this wee world! Approaching 35... A grand old age! A brand new stage of my life and a new beginning I like to say to myself! Looking back... after all these years of searching, learning, working, experiencing... been round parts of the world... new cities... new cultures... countless of sadness and happiness... tears and laughter... making new friends... losing old ones... meeting lovers... then losing lovers... family members come and go... What a journey!

Here I am... finally admitting to myself what has been wrong with me all these time. It took me all these years to finally get to where I am today. Able to come to terms with what has always been wrong with me... I am a Romance chaser! I am obsess with anything romantic! All means and ways of it!

What I have been contracted is one of the rareous form of illnesses. One that will make you always go chasing for 'Romancing Opportunities'! One that will make one go do sweet silly things and wonderful gestures... One that will make one go say lovely words... anything to make someone smile... anything to impress... anything to make someone go wow!

There are periods when the illness will take control of one's mind and body... Worst times are Birthdays, Anniversaries, Valentine's Day, and the illness reaches it's peek when comes Christmas! One loses oneself and totally immerse into the whole spirit of giving. And in between such important dates, one go search for any opportunities to create Romance.

Usually the symptoms are subtle... You do not usually aware of it's existence. One will go look for his or her receiver of Romance. When one find one prospector, one will get into the person's Life and paint a rainbow and turn it all spring and rosy.

Weekends away, chats in cafes, walks in the gallery, night ins, night outs, rummaging in markets, walks in the park, dinner for two at home, little notes, night at the theatre, shopping in the gaydom of Heals and Habitat, little pressies and surprises, quiet Sunday brunch over newspapers and easy listening music, the list goes on... All it takes is a bit a creativity and lots of love.

The problem in question is that one loses track of the receiver. The importance of having the RIGHT receiver for one addict determines the success rate of curing this illness. I am not saying that all my 'victims' or receivers were wrong or unworthy. I can only blame myself for picking them, going through all the romancing motions, just to fulfil my needs and desires.

If I'm lucky to make one believe in Love and Romance, one will reciprocate, but when one don't... I feel despair and disappointed. And when Romance runs dry... And when flaws and cracks surfaces... I take off and go look for another new romance, another new victim.

I almost feel sick writing all these down... am I really that seriously ill? Am I in the terminal stage and beyond cure? Is there a cure out there? Please tell me there is. Does anyone know of someone who has a cure for this addiction?

I think it's time for me to terminate this illness! I can't go on like this! When a better time than now before me embarking into a new stage of my Life!

"Hi everyone, My name is Ren and I'm a Romantic."

Enough is Enough!

What a weekend! I do not even know what's wrong!

From the moment we met, dinner, movie, lunch the next day, theatre, dinner, breakfast in bed the following morning... almost perfect!

Almost perfect until when he needs to take a flight back to Edinburgh...

The whole weekend you kept telling yourself it's just a weekend... don't think too much of it... you start getting 'protective' of yourself... you closed yourself up... purely because "Whats the point?!"

The point is he's a good guy... quiet and reserved at times, especially when in public... maybe it's the Edinburgh thing... maybe being in London is too liberal for him... not for me... that's why I chose to live here...

The point is he's a gentleman... sweet and shy... intelligent and honest... cuddly and affectionate...

The point is he laughed at your jokes... he likes your music in your iPod... he loves your breakfast... he adores what you've done to your flat... he listens... he wants to see you again... he held you when you are asleep... resting and dozing off on his shoulder and tummy even felt right and safe!

Even if this is just a geographical issue (his famous last words)... even if we try to see and be with each other once a month... is that enough?!

I'm really tired of trying! I think I'm trying too hard! Am I just obsessed with the romanticism and have ignored some true facts here?! I'm really tired of writing such things... really tired of experiencing such and writing them down... the worst is that you guys have to read them! Enough is enough!

The Journey Continues...

"Congratulations you passed the test!"

"Really?! Have you got the score?"

"Sorry, we don't disclose those information... but please take this with you"

The letter reads "Following your test today in knowledge of Life in the UK this is to certify that you have reached the level required for the purposes of naturalisation as a British citizen under section 6 of the British Nationality Act 1981. This also confirms that your success at this test demonstrates that your level of competence in English meets required standard for naturalisation. No further proof of this is needed."

First of all I like to thank and I'm so grateful for the 12 years of education I've received in Singapore! My family and friends who keep me grounded! The amount of tax money I've paid into this country for the last 6 years! And with all that, this letter is what I get in this journey to UK residency!

And by the way! £34.00 for a computer based test, which I took 10 minutes to finish! Come on! I'm sorry... you can take the boy out from Singapore but you can't take Singapore out from the boy!

Tales of the Cities

The streets are clean... the air is fresh... the skies are blue and you feel safe in this place. You walk slower so that you take in the sights, sound and the beauty of the city. There are no hassle in getting around and people are actually friendly and do smile at each other. 'Do you need any help Sir?' I almost had tears in my eyes in Harvey Nichols! With music pipers playing in the background and the amazing Castle as the backdrop, how can you not love this city?!

The streets are dirty... the air smells of dirt and piss... the skies are blue but only when you are lucky enough to be living near open fields and space, and not looking into your neigbour's bedroom window. You are conscious and on guard all the time when you are out. You walk fast like robots before you get push over by moving crowd and endure dirty stares when you stop. You are lucky if you get announcement in underground stations stating that 'All lines are operating in good conditions', and you try to avoid eye contact with anyone and dare least to say smile at any person. You actually inconvenienced the sales person by walking into a shop because that means they have to walk behind us and try to smile at us and the moment we walked out, they wonder why we walked in in the first place. With bad singers/buskers doing their thing in the background and trying to avoid another copy of London paper being pushed to your face... How can you not love this city?!

The Flying Scotsmen

You all must be thinking what happened over the weekend when I have 'conveniently double booked' myself! Well here it went...

S turned out to be a really nice, sweet and charming guy! Very intelligent as well I must add... a Winston Fellowship Medal from the Queen herself last summer for his research work on a health epidemic among youngsters in UK... Can't beat that can we? Even though with his short period of 'absence and luke warm reception' before my visit to Edinburgh... he surprisingly ticked ALMOST all the boxes!

We met up for dinner and drinks on Friday night and went for a spin around Edinburgh after... went passed the castle, the city and even around the Arthur's Seat... conversation was flowing with loads of flirting thrown in... overall... an A+ first date!

We didn't say goodbye until after brunch on Saturday... stating that I've to meet 'Arthur' for lunch and coffee... 'Arthur' being a friend of someone from work, which is true but on actual fact I am meeting A from Glasgow!

A quick 45 mins changed and there I was ready for my next date!

A didn't disappoint too... funny, chatty and very opinionated! Very artistic as well. Working as a PR / Marketing Manager for a space similar to Barbican in London kind of made our conversation interesting, and filled with references to you lot! All my arty friends!

I supposed I was feeling uneasy about 'double dating', thought would be a good thing to do with a 'mini date' with A to take the edge off from meeting S... it did work to be fair but can't really say the same for A... Will remain friends with A without a doubt... Did eventually caught up with Arthur but only over phone... so technically all I did was mixing the order up.

I ended up spending the rest of my stay with S, spending time together in cafes, having dinner and even went for a movie together... 'The Science of Sleep' - Vivid imagination required!

Said our goodbyes on Monday morning and have promised to keep in touch... in fact we've already spoken on the phone a couple of times since I got back and S is coming down to London next weekend on a business trip, which we are likely to meet up and spend some time together.

Don't really know what to expect but am keeping an open mind. Still infant stage for sure and again we hardly know each other... still loads to explore and learn... but I'm looking forward to the journey. Awfully calm this time round... for those who knows me, you should know what I'm talking about. No anxieties, no expectations, and no pretences... Can only hope that we will have fun along the way.

So we shall wait and see... watch this space and wish me luck!

The New Frontier

Have not felt this excited before for a holiday for a while! I think it's a mixture of going away on my own and visiting a whole new city for the first time that made it so exciting! Have heard so much about the beauty of Edinburgh and after almost 6 years in UK, I am finally making this trip.

And probably also the fact that I've managed to 'double booked' myself for the weekend! Yes I have!

Got to know S from Edinburgh for a while... must be at least a year ago when we know of each other... then of course we lost touch when I was disconnected from the World Wide Web for a while but got in touch again this year and have just been chatting online and speaking to each other on the phone since...

Than there's A from Glasgow... a fun guy to chat to whom I've recently met.

Both very different in their on rights and both very keen and promising.

The 'problem' all started when I have my trip organised... first told S and he went 'MIA' after... which I thought fine, let's catch up with A then... told A about my trip and have arranged to meet on Saturday for lunch... and of course S 're-surfaced' asking about my trip and wanting to meet and spend the weekend together (he was very sick for 2 weeks... bless him... hence didn't keep in touch)

So here I am! 'Double booked' for the weekend in Edinburgh! I'm sure I'll be able to sort this mess out!

Got up really early that morning before the train up North... I even made my own sandwiches for the ride! That just goes to show how excited I was! Kind of fun too... it does feel like a field trip!

The train was rather pleasant... on time and clean... sat myself down next to an old lady... smiled and said hello. Organised myself... got my iPod, papers, books, magazines, food and drinks on the table... ready for my 4.5 hours of LONG DISTANCE train journey! Leaving London! Before I knew it, the lady did exactly the same minus the iPod of course! And this time she smiled at me...

The journey was actually really good! An hour out from London brought you to sights, space and colours that you were never familiar with living in London. All the rural areas, the fields, and even the sea... the ancient walls that still remains along the coast... all so amazing! And least to say, more and more non-Londoners were getting on the train... Quickly then turned to my magazine and avoid eye contact but still couldn't help myself but checking out their big chunky jewellery and funny accent... Both men and women!

When the train was just leaving Newcastle, this young chap came on and sat just across from me... neatly dressed in his long coat and smart suit underneath... typical boy next door look and with charms that all our mums will sure approved of... he smiled and nodded and went on to settle himself down...

Than came all his text books on the table... 'Guide to Anatomy' & 'Quick Reference to Surgical Procudures'... gosh we have a young doctor on board! I reckoned he was probably going for his exams or interviews in Edinburgh... At that very moment I wanted to hide my Heat magazine quickly and was hoping that I've something intelligent to read in my bag! The best I could find was Living etc!

Even though the young doctor got off a station before mine... he smiled before he left and this time I smiled back at him...

Looks like its already a good start to an interesting weekend in Edinburgh!

That Feeling (Part Deux)

That feeling again... I'm blaming everything on that feeling... no doubt! It's all The Feeling's fault! Because of IT that always wanting to jump out... one that can never contain itself! One which is dying to share and to give! One who can never help it and gets oneself in trouble!

You open your heart and invite someone in... in regardless of differences, thoughts and even distances...

In your world, Love rules everything! Love conquers and overcomes anything! All things are possible if there's Love! But of course all these takes time to develop... it doesn't happen over night... You're fully aware of that but ever so willing to make Love works!

In the real world, not everyone thinks like you do! One is full of sparkle and interest at one time, then dull and bored at another... You can never really know where this is going...

Then you finally realised that all these were just a game... a game that people play with each other in the real world... a game that one can never learn and know the rules... and all one can do is run around in circles... chasing... tired... lose out... fades out... then wait for another game to start...

How many more games one have to play till one call time out? When will be a time when there's no need for game playing? No rules in Love? What you see is what you get... you give and you receive... you smile and he smiles too... you love and he loves you back... When will it be that time?

Happy Valentines.

Life in the UK - A Journey to Citizenship

"Becoming a British citizen is a significant life event. The Government intends to make gaining British citizenship meaningful and celebratory rather than a bureaucratic process. "

"I have asked this new advisory group... to consider how best to achieve the Government's plan to promote language skills and practical knowledge about the United Kingdom for those seeking to become British citizens."

"As a result, we are developing new types of courses specially suited to the needs of migrants. English language courses which use teaching materials based on the concept of citizenship; and courses specifically about citizenship for people who already have adequate English but need to know more about WHAT IT MEANS TO LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY AND CONTRIBUTE TO THE COMMUNITY."

[The Home Secretary, The Rt. Hon, David Blunkett, July 2004]

Text Book to study for Life in the UK Test - £10.00

24 Multi Choice Question, Computer Based Test - £34.00

Application for Indefinite Leave to Remain, a full day of waiting in Home Office Croydon, dealing with morons behind a glass protective screen for a rightful stamp on the passport- £500.00

Mr David Blunkett, who happens to be blind and walks around with a guide dog, caught in a scandal with a woman and left the Government not long ago - Priceless

Connections

In this modern world of discoveries and technologies, what defines human connections? In physical and touchy sense? Or is virtual sense now also being consider as part of human interactions?

The distance between us has definitely grew closer. With phones, emails, chat rooms, MSN, Skype, etc... our World is definitely getting wider and smaller at the same time.

The way we communicate, meeting people, and even making new friends... Are they all going to change in context? Or we have to change our mind set to accommodate the growth and development of today's new world inventions and capabilities?

Thinking about how blinds communicate, instead of typing, they speak. How mute communicate of instead speaking, they write. And now with modern day inventions, we have the joy of communicating through Internet with sight, sound and words, isn't this a form of communication?

One thing is for sure! We still need that human 'touch' to make all communications work. It's a two way traffic. It's through our thoughts, our thoughts that defines us... then transfer to words... and being transmitted through this screen and reaches the other... and the process repeats itself in return.

Regardless of you being in front of the other person or not, if you lack your humane input, you go no where. And if you do open yourself up, and be yourself, open your heart and invite someone in, you'll feel the connection even if you are miles apart from one another.

That's my 2 pence worth of my take on modern communication. Fascinating indeed!

Mother & Son

Received a call yesterday morning... 'Ah Ma fell and hurt herself! We're just on our way to the hospital!' My heart almost stopped!

Apparently she tripped on some spillage and fell in the kitchen, bruised her head and lost conscious for a short while. Doctor kept her for two hours for observation, deemed fine and was then later discharged.

As I was told, she was rather shaken and very emotional, especially when she was placed in a bed next to my Dad's when he was admitted two years ago... the fact that he didn't make it walking out of that hospital alive... Poor Mum... its never easy and never will be...

Can't help but feel helpless and guilty... I've been so far away and for so long by choice... its never easy and never will be...

Every time when I visit, her spirit is always the same, one that I will always remember, respect and admire, but her physical state is never the same as before...

K: "You should be more careful... take it easy and rest..."

M: "I'm OK... do not worry... go back to your work..."

I can almost feel her pain there and then...

PS: Love you Mum xx

City of London

This big neon light flashing, car honing, traffic everywhere, crowds gathering in tight congested places, noises from everywhere, every directions and every human beings, people rushing from one place to another, city that I call home... London. In this city, this big cosmopolitan City of London, there is always something happening, something to do, something to see, somewhere to go, something to buy, someone to meet, someone that you can be with... You will never feel alone in this fast moving exciting city.

But sometimes it amazes me how small and lonely one can feel in this place...

K: "Thanks for this afternoon... Its nice to feel and be close to someone... x"

J: "I enjoyed today. It was nice just holding you. J x"

It was nice... the warmth you feel from each other's body... the breathing you hear... the touches and feels of each other's skin... the immersed and intense concentration and focus of each other's mind... the hold of each other's arms and shoulders... those soft caresses... the closeness and restlessness you feel from each other... And all these from someone whom you just met...

For those people who knows me, I am stressing this again that I AM NOT falling for this person! Its not the point that I'm writing this!

It just occur to me that though we are all living in this big busy City of London, one actually need an almost complete stranger to feel safe and belong...

Have we all come to a stage where we can no longer belong and be close with someone we know?! It has to be two people whom both doesn't want anything more than just mere conversation and the ancient human desire and lust to be able to break all pretences, all mind game rules, all human heart attachments to feel safe and close?! Is this it?!

To feel close with someone is a luxury...

That Feeling (Part Une)

I'm feeling it again... not really know how to describe it but I'll try...

It's that weird warmth fussy feeling that compresses your heart till sometime it aches and hurts...

You walking down the street smiling... smiling to yourself uncontrollably... getting strange stares from strangers...

You believe that Life is good... no complaints or what so ever and Life is truly good...

Your steps are lighter but that's not because of your long awaited weight loss or the music in your earphones...

Maybe its the first sight of snow! The sight of falling snow that warms your heart and soul I said to myself...

But that's not it! What transpires from this feeling deep down, which I do sometime feel so suffocated is the core...

Its the Love! That Love acting like a big lump at the back of your throat! That Love in you that's dying to jump out!

That Love that makes you want to shout at the top of your voice but still remain unheard and muffled!

That Love you want to share generously and wholeheartedly but selfishly and carefully reserved!

That Love that makes you want to embrace someone but only have yourself and your pillow in the morning!

That Love that makes every moment in your life brighter but so bright that dimmer is the only way to not spoil those moments!

That Love that sometimes make you long for that special silence, that eye contact, that light touch, that embrace, that sweet smell, that unspoken understanding, that node of agreement, that smile across a crowded room, that longing for one... can sometime be so overwhelming and consuming!

That Love that sometimes make you feel that its so much, so great, so strong that your body and mind is going to explode! It sometime feels like you are catching your last breath before you are drowned...

And I've to clench my heart and pray that this feeling will subside and go away...

Is this Beautiful but Tragic? Or is this Tragic but Beautiful?

That's how I feel sometimes...