Not Happy With This...

Love is a funny little thing. It can elates one to ecstasy, make one dance on air endlessly but Love can also hit you right at the core of your heart where it most hurt and make one bleed slowly to death... its like you being sucked into a vacuum, a complete void where your heart and lungs collapses ,your face turning blue, gasping for air, your eyes showing fear, scream but no one can hear you!

We are all different. We all react differently to Life. We put ourselves through whirlwind of distractions hoping to wipe out all our sadness and pain, but in the end we end up with more. What we see of each other can sometimes be all 'masked' up. Be it between mother and son, brother and sister, husband and wife, partners, and best friends... Behind every laughter hide a cry. A cry of anger, a cry of regret, a cry for forgiveness, a cry of hope, a cry for acceptance, a cry for Love. But there will also be times when one's cry was loud enough to be heard, and such cry is the most haunting, most painful, and most helpless.

We spend our lives finding THE One. All other aspects of our lives seem all secondary. That's how we are... We spend our time, effort, heart and soul fulfilling that space... That chance to Love wholeheartedly and hopefully be Loved back. That's all it matters.

But Life is never easy and never straight forward. There will always be ups and downs, there will always be rights and errors, there will always be hopes and regrets, there will always be found and there will always be lost. We can only do our very best to right the wrongs, and hopefully enjoy and fulfill this tiny Life of ours along the way.

Certain Love we cherish, rejoice and celebrate, but certain Love we let go, mourn and bury it to RIP. Many times we define our experiences to be Tragic but Beautiful or Beautiful but Tragic... we make that choice... we live by that choice.

I'm sorry I can't be there to offer you a silent shoulder and hug... but whenever you are ready to bury this emptiness, you know that I will be right there next to you holding your hand, tightening my grip and giving you that assuring smile.

It will get better... I promise.

Birthday Bloom

Another day... another year. Thank you all for your lovely wishes and to another great exciting year for all!

HRENBC

How long more I have to do this? I sometimes feel like I'm a walking cash machine! I love her to bits but I can only provide so much.

Why should I be the only one providing for her while everyone can simply sit back and blame on their own incompetence in Life?! Why should I be the sensible one?! Why should I be the one with a conscience of wanting to lead my own Life with my two bare hands?! Where were the phone calls when I was on me own in Sydney working in a pie shop till 5am every weekend earning my own living expenses?! And now all these expectations that I should provide it's just not fair!

I have no qualms of providing for her, in fact I will do anything for her but I sometimes hope she'll understand that I don't have a Pound tree growing in my back yard. I have my Life here to lead and my future to plan for.

I wish those useless bums at home will get their act together and start pulling some weight! Will that day come after the last 20 years of waiting? I doubt so...

First One And Counting

Our first tiff. Finally! Hardly dramatic but was definitely significant and memento for both of us.

From start to finish... a lot has been said and discussed. It takes a lot for D to be this expressive and me was just being my high maintenance self. Yes I've said it! I am high maintenance! I admit it now after all these years!

It takes a lot for one to know each other. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes effort. It takes respect and feeling for each other. For us all, getting together is easy but it's the behaviour and thinking of a couple, how we 'live' together that we need to learn and get used to.

We are all individual and independent adults. Both lead very different life style before. Both expresses differently and both have very different experiences and expectations when it comes to relationships, and hence all relationships are different. There are no fixed rules, patterns or time line for one relationship to be based on. It's a combination of you both that creates your uniquely formed partnership.

All that has been said did not just make me know and understand D so much more, respecting him more and bringing our relationship to the next level, but it has also helped me in vanishing that 'ghost' of mine. The one that has haunted me over the past few years.

From all previous failed relationships, it has always been just one disappointment after another. Mainly due to my very own high expectations, living in my own bubble and sugar coating every possible ways. The inability to trust based on not being able to trust myself and at the same time not able to get the level of assurance and comfort from those persons.

D have single handedly changed all that and I can see and feel the change in me too. Maybe it's because of age. Being more grown up now makes you think, behave and respect yourself differently. We are all still learning and growing up but I'm just glad that I've met D at this stage of my adult life.

It's truely a journey and it will never be easy but I'm very confident that it will be an enjoyable one.