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Blank... Flat... Empty... Cold...

This is how I am feeling at the moment. Don't ask me why... just is.

Loads on my mind now... Work is good but can I be better? Getting my Permanent Residency this May but is it worth the hassle and money? Really love what I am doing in floristry but does that justify me changing career hence giving up all I've achieved today? Getting on the property ladder is my next aim but is that possible here in London? Miss my family and friends back home but is moving home the solution? Never stop giving Love a chance but how many chances I've to give before the right one comes along? Not afraid to Love but who can I Love? So is this it? For the next 35 years if I am lucky...

Random thoughts... All over the place right now...

Just need some answers... Have one direction, one aim, one purpose... Where can I find them?

Big Mama In Osaka

The news definitely came as a big surprise to me. Always thought this move was only temporary and for work.

Big Mama is my oldest friend. A friend whom has always been there for me through thick and thin over all these years. 18 years to be precised. A friend who took my hand and showed me this wonderful 'happy' world. Never pushy and just let me be myself. A friend that I first traveled with, and still a joy and delight to travel together today. A friend who helped defined my circle of friends now. It was Big Mama who lead me to Mona, than Mona to GFKC & G... every of my friends now can be traced back to Big Mama. Big Mama knows me inside out, even without me saying. Over the years, we've both went through a lot together and independently, all in the name of Love. Love for oneself and for others. Regardless, we have always been there for each other. For good times and for bad times. Even through the years of absence from one another, we've still managed to remain closest of friends. Both of us bind together with respect, care and Love.

There are still so many questions I have for you! You've thought about this carefully yeah? You are sure of this? Your family?

As much as I am so happy for you. I am also very concern of you too! You are my Big Mama and will only want the best for you. Quiting your job and moving away is a big step. I just want to know that you've thought through this clearly.

But you know what? I am so pleased for you too and whatever you decide to do, you will always have my full support! It's finally time! I left 8 years ago and now its your turn. Spread your wings, fly high and never look back! Good on you! I am so so proud of you! I really do!

You are always the strongest and smartest of all in the group and trust that you've done all your homework and thought through this carefully. And I'm sure Rho will take good care of you too. You deserve the best! And if he doesn't, he'll hear from me for sure! Well lets not frighten the poor guy just as yet.

So when are you leaving? Gosh I still have so many questions for you!

You have no idea what my feelings are now! It's just a mix of great joy and sadness. Even though I am here and was never around, but it feels like you are moving away from us! I know I've done it before, and this time round it hurts... Must be the age thing.

I really hope to see you soon. Please promise me to look after yourself! Don't ever take any shit from anyone! Be brave and strong! Never stop smiling. Will miss your laughter. Will miss everything about you. Let's hope that we can all come together again soon. No, actually we have to make a promise to do that! Wish I can be there to give you a hug and say goodbye.

It does feel like an end to an era but needless to say, also a new one begins.

New Adventures to have... New Journeys to travel...

My best wishes to you. Love you loads my Big Mama! xx

Requiem For A Dream

Felt like it has been a while since I last updated my blog. Work, plus S was in town last week and to be fair after the 'Big Night Out' on Saturday (first one after NYE), I'm only starting to feel like human again.

It's funny how one's action and mind affects each other. The power of trill and wanting to get the next buzz, somehow clouds up your thoughts and your capabilities of deciding what is right and what is wrong.

Frankly, is not as bad as it sound and not even close to 'Requiem For A Dream'! I promised! But being always wanting to be in control and always conscious of myself... having to relive the experience is something I dreaded most. Seeing myself in the mirror, walking out from a club in the wee hours of the morning, stares you get on a tube, spending the rest of the day like a zombie in total darkness... Are these than the trill and buzz I'm chasing for?

I'm not angel and I'm also not condemning anyone. Who am I to judge?! The experience is fascinating and fun, and with close friends around you, at least you know you are safe. But it's a fine line between recreational and habitual... It's a fine line between enjoyment and silliness.

By blogging this down will be a testament to myself that I will be responsible for all my actions and will always live my Life with absolute dignity and respect.

Recipe For A Great Night Out

How to cook up a great night out? Well just follow the simple recipe below:

1 x Intimate setting cafe / restaurant.
1 x Interesting, great tasting and good value food menu.
1 x A good selection of wines
1 x Yummy range of desserts
And the most important ingredient of all, 1 x a group of wonderful friends.

Cooking Instructions:

First reserve and pre-prepare the cafe / restaurant to be ready for the evening. Then mix the group of wonderful friends together with the food menu. Keep adding a constant flow of wines, and add a bit of seasoning (also called conversation) to taste. Let all these simmer on low heat for at least 3 hours. To finish off, sprinkle a bit of sweet desserts before serving up.

To see the result, please refer to the one that I've prepared before - my fabulous Birthday dinner at Canela last Saturday. It has all the above ingredients and the result was fantastic! A great night out with lovely company and all the trimmings! So good that the 'after taste' still lingers on the following day (for those who were there, you know what I mean).

Thank you all for coming and making this night so special for me! xx

Diagnosis Report - 5th March '07

The test result is out! Finally after all these years, I was always wondering what was wrong with me! Never knew until today! It's official now! I belong to the RA Group! The Romantic Anonymous Group! I am addicted to Romance! Just like someone from the AA... In RA, one needs Romance to make one fulfilled! One needs Romance to make one complete!

2 more hours to the end of my 34 years in this wee world! Approaching 35... A grand old age! A brand new stage of my life and a new beginning I like to say to myself! Looking back... after all these years of searching, learning, working, experiencing... been round parts of the world... new cities... new cultures... countless of sadness and happiness... tears and laughter... making new friends... losing old ones... meeting lovers... then losing lovers... family members come and go... What a journey!

Here I am... finally admitting to myself what has been wrong with me all these time. It took me all these years to finally get to where I am today. Able to come to terms with what has always been wrong with me... I am a Romance chaser! I am obsess with anything romantic! All means and ways of it!

What I have been contracted is one of the rareous form of illnesses. One that will make you always go chasing for 'Romancing Opportunities'! One that will make one go do sweet silly things and wonderful gestures... One that will make one go say lovely words... anything to make someone smile... anything to impress... anything to make someone go wow!

There are periods when the illness will take control of one's mind and body... Worst times are Birthdays, Anniversaries, Valentine's Day, and the illness reaches it's peek when comes Christmas! One loses oneself and totally immerse into the whole spirit of giving. And in between such important dates, one go search for any opportunities to create Romance.

Usually the symptoms are subtle... You do not usually aware of it's existence. One will go look for his or her receiver of Romance. When one find one prospector, one will get into the person's Life and paint a rainbow and turn it all spring and rosy.

Weekends away, chats in cafes, walks in the gallery, night ins, night outs, rummaging in markets, walks in the park, dinner for two at home, little notes, night at the theatre, shopping in the gaydom of Heals and Habitat, little pressies and surprises, quiet Sunday brunch over newspapers and easy listening music, the list goes on... All it takes is a bit a creativity and lots of love.

The problem in question is that one loses track of the receiver. The importance of having the RIGHT receiver for one addict determines the success rate of curing this illness. I am not saying that all my 'victims' or receivers were wrong or unworthy. I can only blame myself for picking them, going through all the romancing motions, just to fulfil my needs and desires.

If I'm lucky to make one believe in Love and Romance, one will reciprocate, but when one don't... I feel despair and disappointed. And when Romance runs dry... And when flaws and cracks surfaces... I take off and go look for another new romance, another new victim.

I almost feel sick writing all these down... am I really that seriously ill? Am I in the terminal stage and beyond cure? Is there a cure out there? Please tell me there is. Does anyone know of someone who has a cure for this addiction?

I think it's time for me to terminate this illness! I can't go on like this! When a better time than now before me embarking into a new stage of my Life!

"Hi everyone, My name is Ren and I'm a Romantic."

Enough is Enough!

What a weekend! I do not even know what's wrong!

From the moment we met, dinner, movie, lunch the next day, theatre, dinner, breakfast in bed the following morning... almost perfect!

Almost perfect until when he needs to take a flight back to Edinburgh...

The whole weekend you kept telling yourself it's just a weekend... don't think too much of it... you start getting 'protective' of yourself... you closed yourself up... purely because "Whats the point?!"

The point is he's a good guy... quiet and reserved at times, especially when in public... maybe it's the Edinburgh thing... maybe being in London is too liberal for him... not for me... that's why I chose to live here...

The point is he's a gentleman... sweet and shy... intelligent and honest... cuddly and affectionate...

The point is he laughed at your jokes... he likes your music in your iPod... he loves your breakfast... he adores what you've done to your flat... he listens... he wants to see you again... he held you when you are asleep... resting and dozing off on his shoulder and tummy even felt right and safe!

Even if this is just a geographical issue (his famous last words)... even if we try to see and be with each other once a month... is that enough?!

I'm really tired of trying! I think I'm trying too hard! Am I just obsessed with the romanticism and have ignored some true facts here?! I'm really tired of writing such things... really tired of experiencing such and writing them down... the worst is that you guys have to read them! Enough is enough!