City of London

This big neon light flashing, car honing, traffic everywhere, crowds gathering in tight congested places, noises from everywhere, every directions and every human beings, people rushing from one place to another, city that I call home... London. In this city, this big cosmopolitan City of London, there is always something happening, something to do, something to see, somewhere to go, something to buy, someone to meet, someone that you can be with... You will never feel alone in this fast moving exciting city.

But sometimes it amazes me how small and lonely one can feel in this place...

K: "Thanks for this afternoon... Its nice to feel and be close to someone... x"

J: "I enjoyed today. It was nice just holding you. J x"

It was nice... the warmth you feel from each other's body... the breathing you hear... the touches and feels of each other's skin... the immersed and intense concentration and focus of each other's mind... the hold of each other's arms and shoulders... those soft caresses... the closeness and restlessness you feel from each other... And all these from someone whom you just met...

For those people who knows me, I am stressing this again that I AM NOT falling for this person! Its not the point that I'm writing this!

It just occur to me that though we are all living in this big busy City of London, one actually need an almost complete stranger to feel safe and belong...

Have we all come to a stage where we can no longer belong and be close with someone we know?! It has to be two people whom both doesn't want anything more than just mere conversation and the ancient human desire and lust to be able to break all pretences, all mind game rules, all human heart attachments to feel safe and close?! Is this it?!

To feel close with someone is a luxury...

That Feeling (Part Une)

I'm feeling it again... not really know how to describe it but I'll try...

It's that weird warmth fussy feeling that compresses your heart till sometime it aches and hurts...

You walking down the street smiling... smiling to yourself uncontrollably... getting strange stares from strangers...

You believe that Life is good... no complaints or what so ever and Life is truly good...

Your steps are lighter but that's not because of your long awaited weight loss or the music in your earphones...

Maybe its the first sight of snow! The sight of falling snow that warms your heart and soul I said to myself...

But that's not it! What transpires from this feeling deep down, which I do sometime feel so suffocated is the core...

Its the Love! That Love acting like a big lump at the back of your throat! That Love in you that's dying to jump out!

That Love that makes you want to shout at the top of your voice but still remain unheard and muffled!

That Love you want to share generously and wholeheartedly but selfishly and carefully reserved!

That Love that makes you want to embrace someone but only have yourself and your pillow in the morning!

That Love that makes every moment in your life brighter but so bright that dimmer is the only way to not spoil those moments!

That Love that sometimes make you long for that special silence, that eye contact, that light touch, that embrace, that sweet smell, that unspoken understanding, that node of agreement, that smile across a crowded room, that longing for one... can sometime be so overwhelming and consuming!

That Love that sometimes make you feel that its so much, so great, so strong that your body and mind is going to explode! It sometime feels like you are catching your last breath before you are drowned...

And I've to clench my heart and pray that this feeling will subside and go away...

Is this Beautiful but Tragic? Or is this Tragic but Beautiful?

That's how I feel sometimes...

Stock Check

1 x pair of Fred Perry Shoes
1 x pair of Maharishi Converse Shoes
1 x pair of Zara Black Leather Work Shoes
1 x pair of B Store Buddhahood Black Leather Shoes
1 x pair of Cheap Monday Skinny Blue Jeans
1 x Fred Perry Vest Top
1 x Vintage Waist Coat
1 x Vintage School Tie
1 x Alexander McQueen Silk Scarf
4 x Zara Fitted V-neck Jumpers
2 x Zara Fitted Turtle Neck Jumpers
1 x Paul Smith Woolie Scarf
1 x Zara Super King Size Duvet Cover

Period: Winter Sales 2006/2007

Amount Saved: Enough to make any Finance Minister proud!

Total Spent: Don't even go there!

Verdict: Efficient and Competent but Disgusting! Outrageous! Unforgivable!

Is there a SA (Shopaholic Anonymous) class for me to attend? But I'll need a new outfit for it!!!

Ghost (Gwai Lo)

What a thought provoking movie! A true story about Chinese immigrants in UK... Their miniature lives in this so call Land of dreams and opportunities...

How one deal with hard cold facts? Facts that are true, real and present? Facts that exist in our lives? We can laugh and joke about it... but maybe that's just a way of us not acknowledging the truth... but what can we do with the truth?

One thing is for sure... I am so so lucky! With my life and the education that I've received... to be able to live in London... a career, a pleasant lifestyle, a cosy pad, good friends around me... and furthermore... legal...

One do take a lot things in life for granted... health, happiness, opportunities, freedom and love. So one should always be mindful, thankful and grateful of one's Life. I know I am.

Fresh from the movie and in a Chinese restaurant with Fabster... looking at faces of the people around us... One do wonder... What have they left behind? Have they earned what they are looking for? And if it is all worthwhile?

There were tears at the end of the movie... not just out of sadness and shock but also tears of gratitude...

My heart goes out to the victims and their families of Morecambe Bay... May them rest in Peace...

Guess what I've found?!

Thanks for all your encouragement with the 'launch' of this blog... can only hope that this will give you more of me than I already have.

Had a great 2006! Was doing my clubbing... was seeing someone for 6 months... had a great summer... work was good... my travels... started my floristry course... dated a few... and until NYE, it was as colourful as the firework display... Not all pleasant but definitely colourful! If only I started this blog a year ago... I would have had my first book deal in 2007! My book will be on the adult or self help section in MPH Takashimaya and Borders Oxford St! Me own book tour... and.. wake up!!!

With the New Year just began... January seems to be a quiet month for me... well that's until I met J...

J reminds me of N my ex... very my type should I say... ticked all the relevant boxes (and Fabster, my list is not set on stone!). Met J at my local pool. J's glances were too obvious to ignore... we ended having a little 'escapade' if you know what I mean... And when we finally spoke... Thank God he speaks English! You just never know with so many Eastern European countries joining EU now a days! Anyway, we chatted briefly and J gave me his contact details just before I left the pool...

So what should a 34 year old, single person living in London, 'Happy' I must add and not minging looking and to be fair, do look after himself well... dresses well, smart, funny... anyway you get the picture! do?!

I got in touch with J the next day and J has suggested that we should catch up for the weekend. Weekend came and he has suggested meeting near his... Very clear and concise approached! So what should a 34 year old, single person living in London... blah blah blah... do?

Flat was ok... kind of messy... just moved in 4 months ago... huge renovation plans for the flat... good... was even offered freshly squeezed fruit juice! That's a first I have to say...

The 'engagement' was amazing! Was brilliant I've to say! It has been a long time since I felt this way... and I was clear headed I must add! Very clear! Not like those mornings when you stormed out of Fire. The 'connection' was very good! And during the 2.5 hour period... yes 2.5 hours! (That's my morning yoga with Jesh out of the window! Think I've done enough of yoga tonight!) I found out more about J...

J is 38, originally from Hertforshire, a freelance psychologist, medically trained, work from home for government agencies who investigates into corporate cultures and work practices, lives in a one bedroom Archway apartment (mortgage free I must add) and fit! Very sporty, cycles, swim, martial art and gym, though has slowed down for a year because of arm injury. Very strong arms regardless! Doesn't drink, smoke and do you know what... Overall, a very good potential bf material!

During the 'turn sky lay ground' process, J popped a question: 'Have you had this big before?'

How should a 34 year old, single person living in London... Blah blah blah... which equates and may I quote from my memorable 2006 NYE: 'I'm perfect but I'm not angel!' answer this question?!

At that instant moment, I had a flash of all of us sitting around and laughing out loud! Telling each other how we would have answered that 'million dollar question'...

So are we telling the truth or to lie? Which is worst? Wish I was able to call a friend!

Then it was back to the real world again in a couple of seconds (potential bf/ partner/ hubby please look away now!) I composed myself (more like to stop myself from laughing!) I simply looked at J... smiled... half shook my head... smiled... and have it all... and have it all I did... I've done Singapore proud! So proud!

I hope I've answered his question... it would be rude if I didn't...

Anyway, in the end the signs were very clear... maybe it was from me more than from J... I've just found my F buddy for 2007! As I said many times... there are 3 types of people you can always rely on... your true partner (that's if you ever find one), your true friend and your true FB!! You can always reply on them and believe that they will always be there for you when you need them! So if you do have any of the above, keep them and cherish them!

So a toast to 2007 and to what a great find!

New Beginning

Year 2007... Ren has finally got a blog! In true Ren style, always the last one to get on any wagon. So what can I write about? What should be written?

After much debate, and so I've decided! With this new beginning... I pledge to blog about Ren. The life of Ren. Who is Ren? What is Ren about? All about Ren!

I do see this as a great way to share my thoughts, my views and my Life with everyone I love and whom will also feel the same way of me... to know me better and to see the real me... But most impotantly, it's about creating a space... my own space... for me to know myself better.

Come take this journey with me... it might be bumpy... with ups and downs but it can be fun too... just promise to hold each other's hand when need to (you know who you are) like we've always done for the last 16 years... I know I can always rely on you all... and will always love, cherish and grateful to you all for that...

A lot has been said, a lot has been done, a lot has been experienced, and a lot has been learned... by you, me and everyone else. Sometime high... sometime low... but it's through our lives history that make us the person of who we are today... Sometimes I do feel that we have all come a full circle... So I say! Reminisce the past and look forward into the future...

This is Ren... This is what Ren's about...